Emotion Coaching

At St Chad’s, we care deeply about the emotional well-being of our children. Our approach to supporting emotional development is based on the work of Dr John Gottman, who developed Emotion Coaching as a way to help children understand and manage their emotions. Through Emotion Coaching, we guide children in recognising their feelings and using strategies to manage their behaviour. Emotion Coaching takes time and patience, but it’s very rewarding. This approach helps children grow emotionally, so they can enjoy happy moments and bounce back quickly from difficult ones. Like learning a new skill, the more we use Emotion Coaching, the better we get at it.

The Five Steps of Emotion Coaching:  

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions

The first step is noticing what your child is feeling. It can be hard to understand their emotions, but try to see things from their point of view. Watch their body language and listen carefully. Help them learn about their feelings by talking about them.
For example:

  • "I can see you're upset. What's going on?"
  • "You seem frustrated. Do you want to talk about it?"
  • "It looks like you're feeling sad. Can you tell me why?"

2. Recognise that emotions are a chance to connect

Emotions are an opportunity to get closer to your child. When children are sad or angry, it’s a good time to talk to them about how they’re feeling. Talking about emotions helps children understand and manage their feelings, and it shows them that problems can be solved when emotions are still small.
For example:

  • "I see you're feeling upset. It's okay to feel like that. Let's talk about it."
  • "When you're angry, I'm here to help. Let's figure this out together."
  • "It's hard when things don't seem fair. Let’s work through this together."

3. Listen with empathy

Listening to your child’s feelings helps them feel understood. When they share how they feel, repeat back what they’ve said. For example, say, “It sounds like you are feeling sad,” or “I understand you are upset.” This helps your child know you care about their feelings.
For example:

  • "That must have been frustrating for you. I hear that you're upset."
  • "I can see you're hurt. It's okay to feel sad about that."
  • "You feel upset because of what happened. I understand how you feel."

4. Help your child name emotions

Children often don’t know what their feelings are called. Helping them find the right words for their emotions is very important. When children can name their feelings, it helps them calm down and deal with their emotions better. This is an important skill for managing life’s challenges.
For example:

  • "It sounds like you're feeling angry. Is that right?"
  • "You look upset, maybe you're feeling a bit sad?"
  • "Are you feeling frustrated because you couldn’t get a turn with the toy?"

5. Set limits and find solutions

While it’s important to accept your child’s feelings, it’s also important to set limits on behaviour. If your child is upset and behaving inappropriately, guide them to find a solution. For example, if they are angry, ask them, “What can we do instead?” This helps children learn how to solve problems on their own.
For example:

  • "It's okay to be angry, but we can't hit. What could you do instead?"
  • "I know you're upset, but we don't use hurtful words. Can you think of something else to say?"
  • "I understand you're frustrated, but taking the toy isn’t the right solution. How else could you ask for a turn?"